Tuesday, July 21, 2009


The American Heritage® New Dictionary of Cultural Literacy, Third Edition defines satire as "A work of literature that mocks social conventions, another work of art, or anything its author thinks ridiculous."

The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition goes further, defining it thus:

  1. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
  2. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.
So, having established the genre of what I'm about to share with you, I want to make it crystal clear that this is not an anti-Guard rant. Personally I'm still very happy for all the IG veterans out there that suffered and persevered for so long and finally were rewarded handsomely for it. You guys got a good book -- enjoy it! But keep in mind, that doesn't mean it's immune to a bit of lampooning...I cranked up the exaggeration and hyperbole to 11 for this one, guys...hopefully you'll find it amusing.

Oh yeah, I feel I should warn you that I work in profanity like some men work in stone or oils. It's my true medium. If "foul language" offends you...you're probably not going to like this, and you should just take a pass on it. If you decide not to heed my words....well, you're on your own. :)

On our local forum, Dielan posted this question:

Subject: Which army

Quote from: Dielan on July 15, 2009, 05:50:02 PM

So finally having finished painting my dwarfs (i thought the day would never come), I've decided to start a 40k army in inspiration of my games at last weeks ard boys. Its down to Marines or the new IG..

Know nothing about the new guard and would like some general description of how they work in this edition and environment.

-Dylan W

Good question, I think, but I wanted to give him a little more than the simple, "Oh, the new IG is pretty good" song and dance...and hopefully deliver a bit more accurate picture of how the new Guard plays. :)

This....is my response:

Well, I'm not an IG player but having seen their new codex, gotten in a game or two and having watched more than a few games against the "new IG", I think playing them goes something like this:


Before the game begins, use your REGIMENTAL ADVISORY NEUROMANCER's "NYAH NYAH NYAAAAAH!" special ability which grants you first turn and forces your opponent to leave his army in the transport case. It's a merciful power, really, as it saves your opponent the hassle and humiliation of getting all those models out only to have to put them all back up really, really soon.


1. Movement
Shuffle some stuff around. Best hurry though, those 12 tanks won't move themselves -- make sure you have your 24 Chimeras in front of your 4 squadrons of Medusas otherwise one might take a hit which means it could possibly be damaged in some way -- and that's unacceptable in today's IG! Next up, you've got a lot of Valkyries -- if it were real life the sky would be darkened by so many wings! -- so move all 50 of them up 48" and line up those 158,000 twin-linked las-cannon shots on the rear armor of everything your opponent has. Last but not least, there's all those guardsmen, veterans, ogryn, stormtroopers (well, at least the 700 stormtroopers that AREN'T in the Valkyries moving in for a deep-strike assault with STR 10 AP -1 Hellguns (that's right,"AP Negative 1", in case some asshole comes up with something better than a 2+ Save, bitches. The new IG's got everything covered for ya!), psychics and of COURSE your EXTRA-SPECIAL special characters (you're probably running one named ST-RAPIN' and another one named LA FEMME DE RAMBO, we'll get to them in a minute). All told, it looks like you've got 4.5 millions models to move, so get to it! NO ONE SAID WINNING WAS EASY! (Well, except Games Workshop. We're pretty sure they were thinking, "Winning will be easy!" when they were writing the new IG codex...but that's another story.)

2. Shooting
Ah, shooting, the phase every IG player loves like a man ending a 4 year vow of celibacy and winning the lottery just before stepping into the Bunny Ranch loves to party. And ALSO just like that guy, you're going to be shooting -- A LOT! Every tank (and you've got a LOT of 'em) can now move 24" and shoot every weapon. Twice. Did I mention they're twin-linked? Well, they aren't, usually, unless ST-RAPIN' issues the "FUCK 'EM OVER!" order followed by the "BEND OVER HERE IT COMES AGAIN" order, which makes every weapon in the IG army (including the guns on tanks!) Assault 4 and twin-twin-linked (letting you re-roll any misses, and then re-roll any misses from your first re-roll). It also lets you temporarily take command of your opponent's guns, too, because you're IG, damn it, and that means if it's a gun, YOU SHOOT IT! So make those to-hit rolls and then re-roll those misses and then re-re-roll the 5 dice you've got left that didn't hit on the first or second rolls. You'll probably find using a wheelbarrow to just dump all those dice on the floor works best. After rolling for wounds you'll discover that every now and then you're playing against some cheeky bastard that has forgotten his new place in the 40K universe's pecking order and has managed to make a damned cover save or some such shit. Make sure if that happens to use the REGIMENTAL ADVISORY GAME BALANCE GENIE's "SUCKS TO BE YOU!" ability to force your opponent to re-roll any successful armor, invulnerable or cover saves. Remember when I told you the new IG has GOT YA COVERED? WOULD I LIE? NO! So after all that, if your opponent has a model or two left on the board don't worry, there's one more phase left in your turn!

3. Ass-ault
Oh, before you begin this phase don't forget to have your REGIMENTAL ADVISORY NEUROMANCER use his "TODAY'S JUST NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?" special ability which causes any unit your opponent has brought in from Reserves to be removed from the game -- you can never be TOO CAREFUL! When that's done, go ahead and move up ST-RAPIN' and his 47 member, all-veteran command squad armed with power relic holy thunder eviscerators into ass-ault. Remember ST-RAPIN' grants all friendly squads within 72" range FURY-ASS CHARGE, AIN'T SCARED, FEEL NO WOUNDS, REGENERATE, FOOTLOOSE AND FANCY FLEET and the new IG-only USR, AUTO-SWEEP -- which eliminates all that pesky rolling for hits and wounds business you'd normally have to deal with in a round of close combat and proceeds directly to the SWEEPING ADVANCE. Since ST-RAPIN' also grants his unit I11, you'll be sittin' pretty on a mound of bodies in no time! If your opponent has any models left at this point (INCONCEIVABLE!) use the new Penal Legion "I'M IN UR BACK DOOR, INVADIN' UR SPACE" move followed up with the "DEATH FROM BEHIND" order. If for some reason THAT doesn't reduce your enemy to having a NEGATIVE model count, say the magic phrase, "WERE YOU IN THE 'NAM, MAN?" to automatically bring LA FEMME DE RAMBO into the game. Once you've placed LA FEMME DE RAMBO on the board, roll a D6. On a 1+, LA FEMME DE RAMBO cuts open the nearest enemy model (unlimited range) and shoves the core of a proto-star into his guts, which immediately goes nova, inflicting 4000D6 STR 11 AP -1 hits on every non-IG model on your board AND the 6 boards closest to yours while ALSO lighting LA FEMME DE RAMBO's cigar. THAT'LL TEACH 'EM TO MESS WITH THE NEW IG!!!

So at the end of Turn 1 you've won your game and most likely the surrounding 6 games as well. WELL DONE, GUARDSMAN! WELCOME TO THE NEW IG!

Next week we'll cover the use of the new REGIMENTAL ADVISORY DEMI-GOD models and their special rules which can let you win a game before you've even met your opponent as well as alter the timeline to retro-actively win every game you lost with that old, horrible, I-don't-want-to-ever-see-that-book-again-burn-every-copy-you-find IG codex.


...so there you have it. What do you think? There's no hate in there guys, only maybe the ocassional "knowing wink" or two for those moments when you're reading through your new codex and some of the stuff in it makes you tingle all over -- and don't lie, you know your new book makes you tingle in places that haven't tingled in a long while. And that's perfectly fine. You've earned it. :)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Some Non-40K Creativity

I know this is a bit of a departure -- and in a way something I sort-of promised myself I wouldn't do -- but here's something I've been working on in the background. It's a test render of a panel from a webcomic (of sorts) that I've been working on...for a while now. The character's name is "Dottie" and she's the co-pilot to "CJ" in a story called "Coast-to-Coast Murder Tour". It would seem that Poser and a pile of add-ons finally allow me to create the characters as I've seen them in my head. The next step is to get Cinema 4D running with it's "Sketch and Toon" rendering engine that will turn the wonderfully-detailed 3D world of Poser characters into something resembling...Grand Theft Auto, or a high-end comic book. That's the "world look" I've always wanted to be able to create for CTCMT and I think it may finally be within my grasp.

Will the whole project ever see the light of day? Maybe. :)